Lost Count

You want to know what is amazing? I say this in the utmost sarcastic tone.

I find it amazing that I get made a fool of, TWICE, by the same girl.

I won't go into details, because its the longest story in the world! Because its two things she did to me in the course of two years, on separate occasions.

First one: She wanted proof that this girl (who I despise) was all over her boyfriend (my friend) because I had pictures of the two of them all over each other. Anyway.. I provide photo documentation and she asks me to call her to confirm all this, I call her telling her everything that happened, and who is on the third line but my friend [FUCKED UP, I KNOW!!!]

After that first incident (of course after I helped them resolve their issues of trust, etc). I told my friend (after he accepted my apology) that what his girlfriend did was fucked up, and that I'd rather not be friends with her (he told her) and then pretty much he begged me to be friends with her again. I finally deduce to be friends with her again.

Second time: So my friend (the same guy) recently broke up with her (yep the same girl). He doesn't talk much about it, and talks about how he is interested in another girl. I try to be careful and ask him more about the break up, et cetera and he ignores the basic attempt. So I just drop it. I contact his ex-girlfriend and ask her about it (because I obviously thought we were friends) and I ask her to not talk to Matt about it, and I try to pry some information from her and I told her that I think it's Matt's mistake to break up with her. Next day, I receive a message in my inbox on Facebook from.. hmm.. not Kristina but in actuality, from Matt. Saying that I'm a backstabber and that I was talking behind his back, among other things. I sent him the same exact message I sent her and stated that was the exact message I sent to Kristina (which I will provide below as evidence) where do you see backstabbing? Ohh.. [I almost forgot to mention, Matt asked me not to mention the new girl he was talking about to Kristina, which I ALSO did not do, you tell me who's at fault here]???

Original Message:

Alexander Garcia October 30 at 10:42pm

i just found out last night.
matt doesn't know i'm contacting you (and I hope it can stay that way)
and let me say this:
a.) I think you and I need to talk about some stuff
I don't know what happened at all but..
The only thing I DO know is that Matt, just
missed out on the biggest thing in his life.
And I can't believe he let you go.. I mean wow..
I would've given anything for a girl remotely like you.
But just wanted to let you know, that you aren't completely alone.
If you need to vent or talk, or just to tell me to shut the fuck up.
Well then.. I'm here.

Just a tid bit:
1.) Me and Matt haven't been the greatest of friends ever since the incident between me, you, and him when I lived in hawaii.
2.) I'm enlisting in the Army now :)
3.) Ohh.. and I know you're a tough girl, keep your chin up and you'll find the right guy.

This was Matt's rebuttal (below after my vengeful and hate-filled words): (and yet still silence from Kristina, I also chewed her out a bit, and deleted her from my life *BUT* I think I will make it even worse: Kristina you are the lowest girl, with the lowest intentions I have ever met. I thought you were my friend and you deceived me; you used me! Generally I am very nice and generous person, but don't mistake my kindness for stupidity, because you will be stuck in a pit of remorse. You really want to play this game with me? Fine.. game on! (Even though its a bad quote from probably one of the most evilest people in the world, I will quote Charles Manson, and it will be, Kristina to your demise, count on that!)

I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in. - Charles Manson

(Anyway below is what Matt wrote to me back, after I was expecting a message from Kristina).
Matt October 31st, 2009 9:14AM
seriously alex, i really thought you as one of my close friends and didnt know you would actually go behind my back and tell kristina after you told me you wouldnt....guess we arent as close of friends as i thought we were...:-\...

The Last 50th

I have wrote about many things, mostly about what I know best about. Complaining, I am a certified complainer in sorts I suppose. Maybe that's all I can do, view the faults and tell it like it is. Maybe that's it, maybe I'm just a very blunt and honest person in this sea of liars and ambiguous people.

I find it incomprehensible the thought of being lied to, especially when that lie is told directly to my face. Too many times I have been misquoted or judge because of miss communication.

Here is the story:

On Friday, I asked a friend to hangout with the group in our usual (movie night) escapade. She texted me and said that she could not and that she had work on Friday, completely understandable; she said she could possibly hangout tomorrow (Saturday) and I was told from my friend that she couldn't hangout on Sunday because she was going to her friends younger brothers birthday party (he's 3 years old). Not only did she not call to hangout on Saturday, but I found out from the friend that was having the party that her baby brother's party was next Sunday. Again, I waited for a phone call that did not come. I know you are thinking, 'Alex, why didn't you just call her!?' and the answer is simple, I have called her numerous times and it is 'me' the one that is making all the arrangements. I also called her on her lie, and then I get bitched out for my propesterous claims.

My point is this:

I am trying and trying, putting 100% of my time, money and energy into this friendship and what do I get in return? Well let's just say its not friendship. In my views (which of course could be wrong, but somehow I doubt it) I am treated less than dirt. For her other (girl) friends, she can make time between work and school, but for me its too much of a hassle?

In case she does read this, which I doubt she ever will. You think I get home and think about hanging out? No, I don't! I don't go to school, but I've got a million other things on plate too! I've got an asshole boss who just so happens to also be my step-dad and we have 3 seperate jobs running at the same time, I am trying to get into the Air Force and I have to write essays and get letters or recommendation, I am dieting and trying to lose weight, I'm still trying to find friends my own age AND on TOP OF ALL THAT I am taking online classes SO BITE ME! Yet I still have time to hangout with you? Seems to me that you need to sort out your priorities.

Its fine, if you don't want me as a friend say so because I won't know otherwise. You say you do but you act otherwise. Treat others the way you wish to be treated, and maybe I wouldn't get so mad. I don't like the drama, I hate it in fact. I wish to god you would understand, but again you won't because you believe on way and I believe another.

This will be my last blogpost, if you know my e-mail you can contact me there.

49

TONE!

Goddamnit.. I want my dear friend Tone to come back from France so much. I know it is an ill-fated request, but I haven't talked to her in so long. It sort of feels as a piece of me is gone, where are you Tone? =) Summer can't be that long can it? I guess I will just have to carry on, forever waiting, to talk to you again. =P

So I have gotten a bit of good news and possible a crap load of bad news. Good news first then, right? Well I FINALLY have gotten in touch with my recruiter today, apparently she had been on vacation leave and was out the entire time last week. Still I think she could have left a little PostIt note or something similar on her door, or have her recording machine tell me, it would have saved me much time and effort. Any way back to the more pressing information: There is a very good chance that I won't be able to join the Air Force because of a technicality =/ apparently I need a criminal history waiver (I have no clue why, because its been expunged from my record and it was years ago, five to be exact). And so the only possible way for me to get a waiver is for it to be approved by my recruiters boss, in which I hope he/she is very lenient when it comes to my case, as it was when I was a minor, its been expunged, and it was an isolated incident. So I am hoping I will receive some good news for tomorrow.

If I do receive some bad news tomorrow, which would be very high. I will have to enlist in either the Navy or if that doesn't work out then, god forbid, the Army. Although I did see something I wanted to do in each branch, but only because they have an enlistment bonus. For the Navy, it is SWCC pronounced 'swick' or Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman, which is basically in essence the boat drivers for the Navy SEALs and yet for the Army it is something for the most part that is not something I would pick to do for the rest of my life but it is either Fire Support Specialist (having to do with Artillery) or Computer/Detection Systems Repairer.

But all I can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst, which is what I am doing. =)

Goodnight because I am tired!

48

I decided that I would write a blog, I know I have already done one this week. But today is and was a very special day for a couple of my friends, more specifically Melissa & Mindy. Melissa's was this past Friday and Mindy's is ten day afterward. So you can imagine the pool parties I have been invited to.

Well even though I was very fashionably late I managed to get there, yet somehow I muddled to be the odd-ball-out like I usually am. I went to Melissa's SWEET SIXTEEN, her pool party (without knowing it would be a pool party until I got there), so here I am dressed casually instead of swimming shorts and I haven't shaved or gotten a haircut recently. So basically I look way out of place when her entire family see's me, a guy with a beard go and hug her. Haha.. I tried to keep quiet, but as you know, that is rather troublesome for me because I tend to like to be the center of attention and being very loud.

Somehow one of her uncle's had let me borrow his swimming trunks, half an hour goes by and it starts getting very dark, windy, and the clouds start rolling in: The eerie silence before the storm. Which somehow always make me feel very optimistic and powerful, I don't know why though. But, then it started hailing and raining at the same time, so Melissa and I being as strange as we are, went out onto the dock/pier and just started dancing in the rain. It was quite fun, I don't think I have ever danced in the rain, well at least not for like 6 or so years. It was an escape, one that I very much enjoyed. =)

Melissa is always a goofball, yet at the time I need to talk with her, she makes total and complete utter sense to me, usually when she rambles or says random things. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm just relieved to be her friend.

Tomorrow is Mindy's pool party, but this time I'll remember to actually bring a pair of extra clothes & swimming clothes. Hahaha.. and I'll actually be able to swim, instead of just hanging out in the 8 person hot tub with 12 people. =) Well hopefully everything will fall into their respective places.

Goodnight all

47

I realize that I have not written (or is it wrote?) a blog in an extremely long time. I am sure all of my beloved fans are wondering this, hahaha.. no but seriously I have actually put my nose to the grindstone and achieved quite a lot. Right now I am standing at 172lbs/78kg, which all I have to do now is lose two pounds so I can talk to my Air Force recruiter.

Speaking of my Air Force recruiter I find it very discerning that not only can I not get in touch with her, but she obviously can't do her job right. The whole point of a recruiter is to get interested applicants to enlist correct? But I find myself in this conundrum in which we keep playing telephone tag, I leave like ten voice messages on her office phone and she left me one.

I have made sort of a career option change, actually I am still up in the air with it. My mom, I lover her to death, but she clearly doesn't know me well at all. I feel that if I join up in the Air Force, I want to be very very close to the front-lines, I want to have a gun to protect myself and my team. So I have like a chance for six possible careers, some I don't want to do, and some I would love to do!

(In order from most to least in the COMBAT option)
1 - Combat Controller
2 - Security Forces
3 - Tactical Air Combat Party
4 - Pararescue
5 - SERE [Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape]

(In order from most to least in all the rest)
1 - Aerial Gunnery
2 - Network Intelligence Analysis
3 - In-Flight Refueling
4 - Still Photography Apprentice
5 - Airborne Cryptological Apprentice

The only problem with my number one for the combat position is that there are only a few deployments a year not to mention few assignment stations (bases). But then again it DOES have an enlistment bonus, which I need to pay off my student loans. So I am not sure which one of these career fields I will be going into.. all I can do is hope. =)

Anyway.. good day to you all I am about to do some calisthenics. =) Night

46

Back, yet I cannot say that I am better than ever, because I would forfeit myself to being a liar.

I went on a roadtrip from point A to B, with ill regard for who I went with: my family. We drove from coast to coast, Maryland to California, stopping at National Forests and all the places that my parents wanted to see. I cannot help but contemplate if the trip would have been different had I gone with friends, or if I would've stayed home instead of going on the trip would I have any more fun.

I don't know why but I always seem out of place, I can't explain it. I feel like I'm destined for greatness, but I can't place my finger on it. I feel like the black sheep of the family, actually strike that, I KNOW I AM THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY. But, it just makes me feel so. . . fake! I feel like I am a fraud, and I put up a show for people, just to camoflauge myself for people seeing the real me. I don't know really how to make this seem logical or plausiable.

I am not sure if something is wrong with me or what? I just don't know anymore, I feel like an amoeba; just latching onto whatever I can to survive.

I feed off other people's emotions and I don't like it. I feel like a vampiric whore in a sense. I don't know what I want, I want love and to be loved, I want to share feelings and have things felt about me. I just, I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore, I doubt that I ever have known. Am I really me? Or am I a figment of my own imagination? I am stuck in my own little brain trying to sort through what is me and what is not. . . and I don't know what good characteristics will go, nor which bad one's will stay.

I am loved, at least theoretically I hope. But I don't want unconditional love, the kind of love that you HAVE to have for siblings & family. I just want to find my own little shining star.

Does life really have to be this dreadful? I've got the whole world on my shoulders again, and I don't know if I'll drop the ball. . =/

45

Nothing new to detail really, mostly just trying to figure stuff out and sort through people's bullshit to get to the answer that I want. You know they say that if you don't get the answer you were looking for, you didn't ask the right question. I have no clue why I am rambling on about this, serves no purpose really, it kind of reminds me of English class. My teacher would always get on my case because I write ridiculously long sentences with out correct punctuation any where in site, it still to this day makes me laugh, because I honestly still haven't a clue if I write correctly or not.

I find girls so dearly strange indeed. I find it hard to fathom how their brain works, seriously I am befuddled and amazed at the way they conceive information and the way they communicate it to guys, or well me in a specific example.

I tell a girl that I am interested in her a while back. We start hanging out more frequently, even though she is slightly younger than me. But here is one of the many problem, she is well liked by pretty much every guy that goes down to the beach, and I don't blame her for that. What I do blame her for is inviting me down to the beach, when she has a group of flirting guys at her every whim. Yet she says she wants me to come down to the beach and that she misses me, after I didn't talk to her 'a lot' like I usually do, I just kept quiet and walked with my brother to Arby's for a chocolate milkshake (and of course his friends decided to tag along aka the pack of guys) and the whole time she's talking to me asking me what's wrong, etc I would just ignore her or just kept quiet.

I just don't know the nerve of some people sometimes. You give the big "fuck off" to me twice in the same week, I am bound to get the message, but when I finally get the message that you don't / can't hangout, don't expect me to jump up and be overjoyed when I do see you, because that is bullshit and you know it!

I am not going to compete with people who are younger than me, I am the Alpha male and I won't even compete with a pack of lowly wolves. I won't compete for you if we aren't together, there is no point to it, that's like chopping down a tree to get to the seeds to plant more trees, doesn't make sense.

Goodnight

44

Sorry I haven't wrote a blog in forever, I have been working constantly and reading a lot and I have not had the time to sit my butt down to actually write something as useful as my blog. Well I guess this will probably a typical blog: me complaining about people. I try and I try not to judge people I do not know, but is it okay to judge someone based on their actions, I think there is a little legitimacy to that, isn't there?

The blog and my previous blog (#43) have the same thing in common, the same girls are involved with an exclusion of one, who I do not hold any accountability to: Melissa. She is the only one left out of this whole conundrum of me speaking illicitly.

So let me tell you about my day the other day, I knew it was going to be a frivolous and overall rainy day the next day. So I invited my friend Mindy to go see a movie with me, she had informed me that her two friends, Emily and Rachael would be sleeping over her house that night. I told her that it was not a problem, I could pay for one twin and she could pay for the other, money wasn't an issue for me, I could have easily paid for all if I wanted to, which was what I was going to do, so as I get excited for the day to come I realized my mom would need the car to go to a baby shower. So after I went to work, I came home took a shower, shaved, etc. Got all ready to go out and my mom arrived with the car, I soon left the house to go on to my adventure with Mindy and the Twins and watch a movie that I wanted to see for a long time (Year One).

When I was about 85% there already, receiving calls to verify that I was coming. I soon came to the mall, to receive this call:

Ray - "Hey Alex, are you still coming?"

Me - "Yeah.. I'm almost there, I'll be there in like 3 minutes"

Ray - "Ohh.. well nobody has money, so we aren't going to see a movie . . . "

First thing: Why would you say yes to coming to see a movie if you don't have money?
Second thing: Money isn't an object for me, I would have happily paid for them.

I get inside the mall and meet the group in the food court. To my surprise not only are the Twins there, but also Megan & Alissa, two girls who I believe I did not invite this time around. Nonetheless, I am there watching them eat food wondering what else we would be doing. Soon Rachael drags me along to see the shirt that she wants, taking a few hints that she wouldn't mind if I bought it, I soon just trudged along following the girls into which ever store they saw fit.

Here is where it gets amusing, after about my total time of being there for maybe 20 - 25 minutes. They are ready to leave, I wasn't mad just disappointed really. So we were driving back home, when I thought to myself that I'd just go see the movie by myself, what a great idea. Soon I hear the grumblings of not having any music so I put in a CD of mine, Kaizers Orchestra - Maestro, soon I hear more grumbling and complaining. Soon I just turn my CD off and switch it over to the radio so that they can choose whatever they want to listen to, after they have switched the station about 80 times, we are close to Mindy's house. I soon stop the car, so they all can get out. Alissa is the very first one out, no 'thanks' or 'goodbye' or anything really; Emily said 'thanks' and tried to give a half-hug to which I just chooed off; Mindy, Ray, and Megan stuck around to give me a hug, making excuses and apologizing simultaneously.

Soon I am off to the mall again, I stop by Five and Below, where everything is $5 and below. So I go load up on candy, etc. And I'm off to go make sure I am not late for my movie. I decide that I'll park in the parking garage on the second floor.



I was right where the 'up arrow' is on my way up to the second level of the parking garage, and there is a truck on the left of me at a STOP sign (the arrow pointing toward the right) I was I was making my ascent to the second level the truck hit me right near the back tire as she was turning. =| I was just so pissed and aggravated, like how fucking blind do you have to be to NOT see me.

Anyway.. horrible day, and its going to be a horrible week as well.

43

It was a beautiful day yesterday, metaphorically speaking. The weather was a bit of a crap shoot, but it didn't get really bad at all, mostly it was just overcast weather, with no chance of sun =/.

But I did get to see some cool kids the other day, I don't really know what to call them though. We aren't super close, but close enough to have fun if that makes any sense whatsoever. I know you are dying to know what we did for nearly four to five hours, and what we did was walk around the neighborhood where most of us live, excluding the twins.

For some reason I feel like I should post their pictures and a little bio about them, but I think that'd be a little too over the top, so uhhh.. I won't put their pictures up, instead I'll just mention their name (and the nicknames that I use and others use because they're funny) and a short thing I like about them. =)

1. Mindy (aka Minno, Molly Hayes, Bruiser)
2. Emily (aka Em, Emz, Hippie, The Other Twin)
3. Rachel (aka Ray, Re-ray, Big Butt, The Other Twin)
4. Alissa (aka Lissa, Rhona Mitra, Underworld, or Vampire)
5. Megan - doesn't really have a nickname. =)
6. Melissa (aka Mel and Gloomy B.)

The first thing you'll notice about this girl is that she is tiny, yet she has the second biggest mouth compared to Em and she is usually always smiling unless she is super pissed off. Everyone likes picking her up because she's so small, its cute sometimes, but I know she gets annoyed so I don't do it often. She is probably the only girl more likely to hangout with me & that's why I love her. =)

Haha.. The thing you'll notice about this girl is that she NEVER stops, I honestly think that Ritolan could even help her, she has ADHD to the maximum. She has the loudest mouth besides me out of the entire group, and she talks so fast that half the time you can't understand what she's saying. She is a very open girl and free-spirit and that's what I love about her. =)

This little girl is ridiculously quiet at times, but can be as loud as her twin when she wants to be. Usually she is what people would consider the 'normal' twin. But I love her all the same, I usually find her to be the more logical and down-to-earth twin. But don't let that fool you she can be wild and crazy too. =)

She has the most bluest eyes you'll ever see, and I don't mean dark blue I mean like cyan colored eyes which remind me of Serena in the movie Underworld. Usually she sticks with Emily most of the time, but she is always fun to be around. Especially when things are weird she roles her eyes in the most funniest way.

This little girl is the youngest of the group, but yet she's almost taller than me | =( It's not fair! She is usually the one you would more likely to hear scream. She has this really really weird and perverted face that makes me laugh every time she does it. She is the more likely one to coax you into swimming even though you know its cold in the water.

Hahaha.. this girl is a charm. She sort of reminds me of myself to be honest, she always has the little quips and sarcastic remarks, but she is a genuinely cool person. She can talk & laugh like a little girl and it scares me sometimes hahaha.. she also can do a New York accent which makes me laugh too. I view her as the second in command in the group I suppose. And apparently she is going to steal my Gloomy Bear shirt =/ and that is my favoritest shirt in the whole world! Luckily I have one on order =)

Ohh.. we met this new kid his name is like Kashi or Kesh, or something? But he is A.) So full of himself (cocky) and B.) A genuine a bullshitter. He kind of creeps me out, he gets too close to my face like he's going to kiss me or something, and I really really don't like it. But I find it really hilarious how ridiculous his lies are, like he knows a band's lead singer personally, etc. I really want the rest of the group to meet him (Em, Ray, Mel).

Anyway.. I am tired of writing about these people so haHA! Their ya go!

42

I can't conceive how I always put my foot in my mouth. Every single time. I have good social skills, but somehow I can't communicate how I feel about someone (aka a girl) until I finally put my foot in my mouth. Or maybe its not that at all, maybe I'm just not attractive enough, maybe I'm too fat to be with a girl.

I just feel so depressed, and I can't help it. I want to be happy and exuberant, but yet somehow I can't seem to manage it at the moment.

You know its funny, I always get hit on by gay guys, but somehow I can't manage to find the right strategy to trying to make a girl like you, or tell her you are interested without creeping her out. I don't even know what I'm talking about now. =/

My parents are right too. I live too much in a fantasy world and I can't think of all these fantastical things and daydream, yet I probably should live in reality and be boring like the rest of the world.

I don't want to feel like this anymore, why am I so dependent on girls liking me? I mean I sort of guess that it should be apart of my genes or something.

I guess that is what I get for being to nice to girls I like, maybe I should just give up talking to girls. Or at least putting out the effort. I need a friend, and I need a hug and I'd give anything in the world for those in my current state. In the end I'm a needy person, and I need a girlfriend or something I can't stand being alone for another five years. =(

41

Ah welcome back my beloved little minions.. =)

I don't think I'll be making this blog very long, I just had one thing on my mind and I think I need to get it off of it. I have been thinking recently about my decision to enlist in the Air Force, and although there are many trying to dissuade my actions to go forth and be something and do something with my life, I am going to go past it with good intentions.

Many say this or that about my decision, saying that it is quite possible that I will die out there. But I think differently, I don't give up very easily if people know me very well. I have a constant vigilance when it comes to these type of things: fighting (for what I believe in). It is quite possible that I won't make a difference at all, but if I could just change one my life will be complete! And don't you guys forget its ME you are talking about, I'm keeping my promise till the end to meet each and every one of my distant friends, you didn't think you were going to get out of it that easily did you? =)

Another song that has been on my mind is that movie Anastasia, I don't think its a Disney movie, but I like it nonetheless. The main song in that movie is just beautiful and its sort of engraved into my brain at the moment, and if you either A.) Haven't seen the movie I suggest you go see it or if B.) You have not heard the song, I suggest you listen to it below.

I'm going to post the lyrics because I find them very fascinating. =) The song is entitled 'Once Upon a December' by Deana Carter.

Dancing things, painted wings
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

(Instrumental interlude)

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...

And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December

40

So I found a necklace today at the beach and I think I'm pretty sure that I am going to keep it. I know I probably should put up signs, etc. but I find that too much of a hassle to do, so I'm going to be lazy and wear it around my neck until someone calls it theirs! Simple plan eh?

So I probably went through the craziest fight yesterday, my Mom was bugging me, et cetera and basically she said that I need to grow up and things. Which I think that I more than have done, but she is right to an extent, but she went a little overboard in some areas that I don't think were necessary, nor do I feel the need to talk about it (because you will all probably call me an asshole on it, so I'd rather bite my tongue).

Well that little fight we had got me thinking, it probably IS time for me to grow up and stuff. Maybe I shouldn't be facinated about the world; Maybe I shouldn't spend all my time drawing my dreams; Maybe I shouldn't be a kid anymore; Maybe just maybe I should be like some other kids my age: The one's who party hard every weekend, or have children running around their feet already, or the one's who go out and get married, or have children.

It feels weird now that I think about it, I was watching the Inside Actor's Studio special on (what is now, one of my favorite actors): Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter from the movies. I watched the entire thing (there are four parts to the whole video, like 9 - 10 minutes a piece) and a couple things got me, that I wanted to share with you, if you will let me do so.

It would be great if you watched all the videos of him being interview because he is kind of reminds me of myself, intelligent and very well spoken hahaha.. But seriously I find him to be very similar to me, in a way (for the second part). So just watch the areas I asked you to watch and I'll write below them what they meant to me (if that makes any sense).

1 --> Listen from 2:04 to 2:21 on the below video.
2 --> Listen from 2:56 to 3:45 on the video below.


Well if you watched that little tidbit, the 1st part he says he as this childlike fascination about the world, kind of like I feel that I do, I want to see the world and try to help as many people as I can and make as many friends as I can, it is quite possible that I won't make a difference in the world but I can try can't I?

The second part is fifty percent for me, I feel that I have very well-mannered social skills, and I do (I can sway any group of people, I am pretty sure) =). But I feel in terms of him talking about ". . . being crap at academics, and crap at sports. . ." I feel that if I had properly applied myself to being great at school and great at sports, maybe it would count for something, but instead I feel that I am in the same boat as Daniel in that I have good social skills and talking to people than I do at anything else.

I can make a friend in a heartbeat that isn't the hard part. The hard part is deciding whether I want to keep that friend close to me, or make them a distant acquaintance or something along those lines. I forgot exactly what my whole point was, but like I said I have good social skills yet I don't think they count as of yet!

Goodnight and I hope you enjoyed my blog!

39

God kveld!

Or good evening for those who don't speak my language! =P

On to more pressing news, actually it isn't very intriguing at all. It twas rainy all day, but only in my town (Edgewater), because I have to drive to work about twenty-five to thirty minutes away, and it was sunny at the clients house, it was like super duper hot outside and I started to get a headache from going inside to outside on a constant basis.

I'm thinking about buying some more movies, but I can't decide on which one's I would like to buy. The movie Push, I saw it in theaters and I have to admit it was a pretty decent film, although I wish it would hurry up to go to DVD. Also, I think I have too many comedy and action movies and not enough horror movies, I mean I have some, but they are more thriller movies than anything, I need to get back to the basics of horror. Hmph.. maybe I'll buy the Alfred Hitchcock collection or something similar (I mean everyone and their mother loves the movie: The Birds). Actually I wanted to buy one called, Let the Right ONe's In

I think I ate too much today, my stomach feels achy and I know I should not have drank any soda. Too many calories, I suppose. I read my friends blog and they said they'd be taking a shower for an hour (well in the bathroom for an hour anyway), I think tomorrow (since I am off for a good deal of the morning) that I will take a nice and soothing bath with some Epsom salt or something at least until I get all pruney. =)

I was swimming the other day and I saw some Moon Jellyfish in the water, but I didn't think much of it (because it's very very hard to get stung by them because their tentacles are so small, so unless you are directly in contact with them its hard to get stung). But, I have a rash on my inner thigh, but I'm not sure if its a rash or not, I just hope its not a jellyfish sting. =/

Anyway.. that is quite possibly all for now, so I bid you adieu.

~alex

38

IT'S JOHNNY!

Sorry I couldn't resist, I watched the Shining the other day and decided that's how I would open in this blog. First and foremost I would like to apologize to all of my ONE READER, who hasn't had anything to read in the morning before work, for sometime now.

The thing is, I haven't been myself as of late. My mother and stepfather, and my brothers were getting on my case more and more, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided in retaliation that I would be just like them (i.e. I would try to act like them instead of being myself), so I didn't go on the computer very much and decided I'd delete my Myspace and Facebook, anyway case and point, they did not like what they saw (themselves in me). Although I must admit that I did over do it, just a smidgen, but I guess that's what they needed, a taste of their own medicine.

So I'm BACK!

I can't say I'm better than ever, I still need to lose like 8 kilos or so, which I feel bad about now because I didn't do any cardio today! =/.

I know spring has passed for the most part and summer is rolling around, but I feel left out in a way. Spring usually brings people together, and I kind of miss snuggling up with a girl. Truth be told there are girls who have galloped across my gaze, but either they are too young and naive, or they aren't interested in me. Sometimes I wonder if its me, I mean, usually everything has a common denominator and somehow I feel like I AM the denominator and I don't like it. =/ It feels so surreal I suppose, because I like, actually scratch that, I'm in love (could possibly be love at first sight, but I've known her for a long time) with a certain girl, and it really worries me not knowing which way the pendulum will swing. Time will only tell.

Today was a pretty obsolete and boring day, I went to work to do a simple task, and it took me more than an hour to complete. Sometimes the basic things are the things that kill me. GAH!

I can't remember exactly which day *thinks really hard* I'm pretty sure it was Saturday, but I swam yesterday after my chores were done. My approximation on how far I swam was: 500m or so of continuous swimming. But it was fun, usually I swim by myself or my younger brother comes with me sometimes (although he did not that day), but Blake came to swim over to the pier (he's only 6 or 7, but he's cute and he reminds me of me.. haha.. probably why I keep him around) and then Aiden (he's 7) came to the beach (and I was teaching him how to swim, as he cannot swim very well, he can now swim 3 to 4 meters without any life-jacket or anything to support him). Then came a younger girl (Jae) and her friend who also swam with us.

I don't know if you will find this funny but I kind of do. I'm 20 years old, I usually have a short-shaved beard, and here I am swimming with kids who are almost half my age. Believe me I get suspicious looks from parents all the time, but only Blake's parents really know me (as I am the only one who is allowed to watch Blake at the beach). But, the other parents just look at me like I'm going to steal their children or something hahaha.. which reminds me of another thing, Aiden, the seven-year-0ld, has been coming over and knocking on my door to find out if I could "play" or if I wanted to go over his house and play video games, and to be honest part of me really wants to, yet I don't think a twenty year old and seven year old can be friends (it doesn't look right) hahaha.. I just realized that these kind of things have happened a lot to me (me being friends with people who are younger and kids asking me to 'sleep over' hahaha..)

Jeez.. I guess at heart I'm really not that old, at least not at heart anyway!

Well I guess I'll be heading off to bed and a nice shower now! =)

Goodnight to all

37

I haven't had a chance to actually sit down and type something the past few weeks, and even now I feel as though I should rush through this, even though I really want to linger and just chat away. But I can't because it is almost 2430 hours and I have yet to charge my phone.

Okay so basically to get down to the basics =/

One - I dropped a couple hints at a girl who was a tad bit younger than me (17) and she didn't really catch on to it, until like the very last hint. And right now, I'm kind of stressed because I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. She is friends with my little brother and his little posse (only a year ahead of him). And now I feel out of place I guess, because A.) She's younger than me, B.) My little brothers friends' friend, C.) She's at that age that when you tell someone you like them, they would tell all their friends and right now I don't need anyone to laugh at me, but I thought I saw something different in her and I hope I am right. I won't know until tomorrow. =/

Two - I have been doing very poorly at my diet, I ordered carry out the other day and I have eaten a few questionable things, and I haven't stepped on the scale in four days. I think I should give it a looksie tomorrow. It wouldn't be all that bad had I been exercising (aka swimming) when I should have been, but I am a tad bit sick right now and congested so I wouldn't be able to swim very far anyway. But then again, it wouldn't hurt either! **Surprising little fact, I looked up a calorie burned calculator and put in my workout (swimming); but anyway I swam for about 4 and half hours total last Friday and it said that I burned 7493 calories, so I think that's what I need to do three or four times a week.

Three - It is weird getting in shape and all, because I haven't really worked hard at anything in my life. Usually things come easy to me *My teachers would all tell my mom (and me) that if I would just apply myself, I could literally do anything* But I haven't found a passion to do anything, until you know I wanted to join the military ranks. And now to get into shape I chose swimming because its all I got / like doing. It reminds me of myself in karate, I got my black belt in less time than most because I work hard for things that I want. I wanted to be good at karate and so I was, now I want to be good at swimming and I think I have to become good. I don't know how any speedo's would look on me at the current moment, but I guess I could get some actual swim attire so I can get better. . .

Anyway.. I think that will be all for now, my life is teetering on the edge of my sanity. So.. haha.. I have to balance all this right now. =) Nighty-night

Until next blog. . .

36

Well hello again. Sorry I haven't been keeping you guys in the loop, it has been a while since I last blogged. The reason I haven't had time to blog, is usually I blog at night, around 9 - 10 o'clock, but I've been doing this new diet thing and I haven't been really staying up late at all AND I've lost 4 pounds (and how exciting as I have only another 24lbs. to go).

It is a pretty straight forward diet but its hard because I don't have a lot of money to buy everything, so I just try to eat what I can afford (I mean who wouldn't?) hahaha.. . . . The breakfast's are all the same, although it IS kind of bland (to me at least), it is whole-heartily and healthy for me.

1/2 a Grapefruit, 1 slice of Protein bread [toasted], and water.

Again kind of bland, but it has helped me thus far so I can't really argue.

I feel bad that I haven't wrote to my dearests blog fans much. I feel even worse that I have told a certain someone that I'd be sending them something in the mail, and yet I still have the package in my room waiting to be sent. =/

Don't ask why (because I tend to do the same thing over and over, and all I get is my response to everything: I'm weird!) haha.. but I was looking at foster care children. I just felt the need to help someone or something, I know it would be hard trying to do all this while in the military and being my age of twenty. Haha.. I can barely take care of myself let alone children, but my heart was heavy when I browsed through them, I felt sorry for them you know? I mean how could you not?

I wish my camera worked so I could show you all the cool and not so cool things about my life. =) Well I don't know if I have anything else to say, could be a while for my next blog or not, I am sitll not sure so just keep looking out for them. =)

~alex

35

I feel like one of my friends pictures for some reason, out of all the yellow flowers there are only two red ones. It kind of reminds me of my life analogy really, the fact that there are so many yellow and only a few red, I feel like the red flowers and at this time in my life I am kind of glad I am the red flower, so different from societies (yellowness) haha.. no but seriously, for once in my life I am glad, glad that I will be leaving this place and hopefully not be coming back.

Then again I feel an empty void in the pit of my stomach, no it isn't hunger I have already taken care for that part. I feel like I need something, more specifically someone! I just wish that I could have real friends, the ones that don't bullshit around all the time. I need professional friends, well in the sense that they don't bring all their trials and tribulations to the table with them, of course I don't mind helping friends, but when it is on a constant basis of wanting everyone to feel bad for them, it is kind of a one-sided friendship. One that I will no longer take part in anymore, because I am so over this stupid high school/ college drama.

I never had a lot of what I would call "friends" but I do have a select few that are REAL with me, no matter what. That is what I need, and I commend these friends for it. The three of them (*It could be four eventually, as I am talking to this girl who is into the Kaizers more than she was then studying for her exam. Hahaha). The two brothers that have been my friends more than anyone else has are for lack of a better word: awesome! =) They don't bullshit with me at all but if they ever did need help, which is very rarely because they work through their own mess, I would be there for them 500%. Chris and Andrew. I think their parents are cool, their parents like me above all their other friends (as they say it I'm a "stand up guy") hahaha..

And well there is another friend, one who I think I have a more builders friendship with (we get out our problems and help each other build from that) we build off each other, trying to make ourselves stronger so that no one can hurt us again. I love it how my friend helps me more than anyone else can, and lives further than any other as well. Hahaha.. this friend is probably the only one who will talk 'bullshit' with magic and all things being related: Harry Potter, dragons, anime, films, etc. I guess it doesn't really matter what we talk about, we usually end up having a good conversation, whenever we get the chance to have a proper one. =) This friend, which probably already knows that I'm talking about her, is probably grinning right now. This friend is my friend Tone, who makes me laugh with her odd sayings. Probably the only girl I can say that I love her who isn't related to me. =D

I went to the beach today AGAIN! =). It was a nice day yet had it been less windy it would have been a more jovial day, at least in my opinion it would have been.

I am tired of writing so blah blah blah. =) Later gators

34

So I thought I would write one blog before I went to bed, but inevitably I always forget. I watched a two and a half hour movie, in which the whole movie pretty much, for the lack of a better word SUCKED! It was a Russian film, I thought that it would have a lot more action but it very rarely had anything good. In the end it was a drama/romanticize type film, in which I don't care much about. The movie was entitled: DayWatch, so if you ever run across this film haha.. DON'T WATCH IT!

What else happened today? Oh yes, I went to the beach for about 85% of the day and it was absolutely fantastical. The water was a bit cold because the weather was overcast (but warmer than usual), luckily it became sunny as soon as I went into the water. So I really really liked swimming for hours upon hours, and this time I remembered to put on A LOT of sunscreen and nothing is really burnt on my body, well actually I am but only in a minuscule way on my cheeks (just below my eyes).

I am really thinking about going to the beach tomorrow to swim and get some exercise, etc. Hahaha.. I guess I have to actually swim, rather than just jumping off the dock like eighty times haha.. All in all it was a good day, although I wish I could have some friends to enjoy it with me, but I guess soon it'll happen, when the time is right. =)

It is actually quite funny, before I swam in the water I just sat in the sand with my feet in the water looking onward. Nature is so beautiful and I love it! It so.. indescribable really if you think about it. I can think of all these wonderful and glorious words to describe it, but in essence I don't think it is possible to do so.

Like I have said many-o-times, I will be joining the military. More so to get away from my family and see different places than anything (besides of course protecting my country). But, I need this for myself, to see the world's indescribable beauties (nature as well as the girls who live in it! =P) But seriously, I know I've just got to be proactive and just do it, instead of talking about it so nonchalantly. Like they say, Talk is cheap! So I will just continue my silent oncoming to my future.

On a different note: I love her, more than anything in the world. And I know she might be broken, but she is putting her pieces back together and I think I can help her, she's like 90% complete. I already know that I want to be with her the rest of my life and I truly believe that no matter what I will end up with her, one way or another. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but some day she will mine, and I will be hers. It actually reminds me of a quote:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ~Henry W. Longfellow

Goodnight everyone

33

In fairly recent events, I have become more cheery (cheerier??) than usual more so because of my friend helping me through some things. But, there's one thing I realized, I must undergo certain training to complete myself, hahaha.. i.e. Lose some weight that I have been wanting and trying to get off for the last year or so. But I think this time I am going to confuse the crap out of my body and just do it, no matter how much my body tells me to stop.

In addition to training the crap out of my body, I will do so with my brain as well, not to mention ACTUALLY doing karate again. Or at least the self-defense portion of it.

I want to be nothing but steel =) hahahaha..

I do not know what else to blog about, because currently it is 11:28 and everyone is sleeping, yet I am going to do the dishes I think. =)

~alex

32

It seems forever since my last blog post, and it probably has been; What with all the complications in my life right now, I very rarely have time to get out my stress by typing it into my blogs every other weekends, and as a result I think I was about to explode onto someone who very much deserved it, but I avoided it as best as I could.

I don't see it: I don't see how people can be racists, sexists, or mean and cruel. I mean we all are human are we not? So why do we seek to hurt others? To make others feel insignificant and beneath us. When the truth is, we are beneath them for trying to judge them. I know I will make a complete mockery out of myself by saying that I don't judge people. I DO, but I try "not" to do so at every opportunity that presents itself, unlike some other vaguely mentioned people who seem to get on my nerves and feel they should judge anyone and everyone, when they aren't taking things into perspective and knowing that they aren't that person they are judging. Everyone has standards and ethics, but not every one person has the dead same ones either (unless you are a robot or something).

I seem to be rambling loads of my utmost loquacious yet elegant absurdities that should be filled with hate and anger into simple run-of-the-mill text. Haha..

In other news, I have decided to write my dear friend another letter as the first letter seemed to be a dud. Somehow I can never ever get the addresses right or something? =P. But, hopefully this time it will go through, I have yet to send it because I have decided I would add a few drawings to add to her blogpost eventually. =D hahaha..

But all in all I am feeling loads better now that I've got the world off of my shoulders, and every one has stopped leaning on me. I can finally run with my free spirit instead of trembling to grasp but a few feet before falling.

Time to get going though, I think I have said more than my share of words today.

31

I feel mad right now, maybe a bit angry perhaps. I have fallen into the same trap my dear friend has, about relying too much on other people. And I realized I can't live my life according to everyone else's standards, I mean I've tried so hard to make everyone else life happy and fun, while I have been sullen and downtrodden, and I am just sick of living like this, for other people instead of living for myself. I can't stand my family, I just really can't. I mean it is alright at times, but at others I feel like they don't know me and never have.

I am different, and no I will not believe in something I know to be fake (Christianity) and pretty much what my stepdad told me is, if I don't go to church and take one hour out of my life, I can't live here anymore, among other things. He said I'm allowed to be different but only in a small way, so in otherwords I'm NOT allowed to be myself.

So I'm enlisting probably on Tuesday because no one will help me out, and I have to help myself at a constant consistency. So that's what I'll do, I don't know what or where I'll be, but I'll be me. And that is the only thing that matters.

Peace out!

30

**This was written down a week ago, I just haven't taken the time to type it all up.**

Jeg tenket på skrive meg hel blog på Norsk, så jeg git et prøve desseverre det et hard. =) Men jeg would nokså forsøke em, ikke forsøke ved alle.

Phew that was kind of hard for me. So basically I am writing this blog for no other reason than for me being mad. Here is my situation, the situation I've been dealing with for as long as I have lived here in Maryland since I moved back. My stepdad is trying, most likely his hardest, to convert me to Christianity; even though everyone who knows me, knows full and well that I am an atheist and despite no matter what he throws at me, I will continue in my beliefs of not having any beliefs.

This is his mature way of showing me apparently "who's the boss" in the household; after we had an argument of what I would be wearing to church* [Despite being an atheist I go to church with them, more of as a benefit for me to point out flaws and make notes about them afterward], right back to it; We had a disagreement of what I'd be wearing to church because it had been Easter Sunday, I obviously did not dress up because its not my religion, and I rarely do it on Sundays anyway. I wore jeans and a t-shirt (button-up no less, my normal attire for chich. So he tells me that I need to "dress up" more quaint and nicely that I currently am,

so I tell him "there is no reason to dress up if it isn't my religion to begin with"
he replies: "Well you look-like crap & I think you should dress better"

You are lucky I am wearing any clothes to begin with, and so I tell him I will not be going to church"

His rebuttal you ask? Turn off the electricity so that I can't go on the computer, watch television, etc. He turned off all the electricity to the house and I am thinking "You are going to spoil the food in the refrigerator , so I left it off and I decided to come outside and lay-down to get a tan. I think my rebuttal to his is much more smarter. But all in all I win.

Main point:
I love the way that people try to convince me that I am missing out on this grandeur splendor called Christianity. I find the idea of a man sitting on a cloud dictating what will happen in everyone's life is a little, for a lack of a better word, stupid! I mean believe me if there was/is a GOD, of infinite wisdom and power, let him strike me dead right now or tomorrow ah? . . . . . . . . . nothing! If there is a devil show him to me, so I can sell my soul . . . . . . . . .? again nothing =)

"Sometimes stupidity is truly bliss, but I'd rather be smart and know somethings real that indulge myself in lamentations and fallacies" ~me, and you can quote me on that. =)

29

I had to copy Tone's blog at least once in my lifetime. =)

[1] What is your last name?
Well currently it is: Garcia, but it is going to become Graham in a few years.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black

[3] Are you available?
Indeed I am much to misfortune =/

[4] Who was your last kiss?
Uhh.. probably my older sister last time she visited.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes I do, I drive over the Severn river.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Mmhmm..

[7] What curse do you say the most when your pissed off?
Well I like all curse words, but the word FUCK is just so awesome to say. =)

[8] Are you God?
I think if I were, it be quite an unusual paradox, don't you?

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Try to figure out what I did wrong, then after realizing it wasn't me to begin with I blame them. =)

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Depends, I usually only do so in red, black, or blue.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Like Tone, I don't feel pain muhahahaha.. =D

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
No, not often only one or two films actually (Secret Garden & Bridge to Terabithia); Something about friendship always gets to my heart. And I don't call it crying, I call it sweating from my eyeballs. =)

[13] Last text message you recieved?
Don't have text messaging.

[14] Who sent it?
I just told you!

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, of course I don't. But I AM envious of other people's life.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
It takes a lot for me to get mad, usually I just blow off steam after whoever made me mad left. =)

[17] Do you drink?
I think everyone drinks? Like water, juice, etc. =p Haha.. yes I do, but I only drink one in particular: Stolichnaya Blueberry / Raspberry Vodka. I don't like the taste of beer (or I should put it, I haven't found any beer that tastes good to me)

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Hahaha.. well most of my friends already know, or should know. I don't like stupid or idiotic people (like literally stupid) oh and I don't like people that act fake.

[19] Are you cold?
Nope. Although it is rainy outside, my favorite weather type besides sunny that is. =D

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Haha.. yes

[21] Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
My cousin Sierra and that's about it.

[22] Who should pay on the first date?
I agree with Tone on this one, but usually I end up paying for everything because the girls usually don't have their money out, which is a clear indication they want to be paid for =/

[23] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Well I don't want to put a number on it, but I'm not willing to date 7+ years older than me.

[24] Do you have any friends?
haha.. sometimes I think I don't; But in the end, I do.

[25] Do you have any mean friends?
Umm.. quite a few actually =/

[26]What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
I guess it is a matter of perspective really.

[27] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, but I have liked someone that my whole FAMILY couldn't stand. And basically, we don't talk anymore so that's that.

[28] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Only sometimes, but then again I've felt like being a ballet dancer and well that opportunity is still in motion. =p

[29] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Nope

[30] Do you scratch your ears?
Umm.. no!

[31] Who was the last person to hug you?
Probably my little brothers girl friend: Katie.

[32] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
Uhh.. Tokaido? They are karate pants so =D

[33] How tall are you?
170cm. Or 5'6 3/4" =D haha.. yes IT DOES COUNT! =)

[34] What is the closest green object?
All of my mom's plants inside, but probably the closests plant is the banana tree.

[35] What is on your feet?
ON my feet? Well that'd be nothing.

[36] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you?
I asked my parents the same thing when I was younger. Oddly enough they still say it would have been the same: Alex

[37] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Any time at all? Hmm.. well if you know me, you are probably going to laugh so here I go: Probably after Adam & Eve got kicked out of Eden, I'd be chilling there still naked and carefree. WOOT! =D

[38] Do you want to have kids?
Yes. =)

[39] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
hahaha.. I'm not wearing any bright colors, my shirt is gray with a badass teddy bear on it. =) **Gloomy bear in case you were wondering**

[40] Who is the friend you have that you would never have thought you'd have?
To be truthful, I never would have thought I would have my ex-penpal Tone become my very best friend. And I'm grateful, to have such a wonderful friend. We were going to take over the world just the other day, but we had coloring books to finish. =p Hahaha.. that's my excuse for not dominating the world. =D

[41] Who do you hate the most right now?
It takes to much energy to hate someone, and if you think about it, hating is still caring about someone only negatively. If you really want to go-for-the-gold so to speak, you have something called indifference, which is not caring about them enough to make a big deal out of it.

[42] Whats your mother's middle name?
Ann

[43] What kind of car do you want?
I have always wanted a Volkswagen, but everyone tells me that IF they need working on, it is expensive. But I know I want a VW CC or GTi, yeah that'd be nice *daydreams about what car he's going to own*

[44] What is your favourite video game?
I very rarely play video games anymore but if I did, it'd have to be: Gears of War. =D

[45] Do you like your dad?
No comment.

[46] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Only a very few, because they are all too damn expensive.

[47] Are you wearing make up?
Uhhh.. no.. should I be?

[48] Do you have a tattoo?
Not yet, but I will be getting one soon, in the near future.

[49] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I'm hispanic, OF COURSE I HAVE! =D

[50] What time is it right now?
12:07PM, so noon basically.

[51] Do you know how to draw?
Uhh.. about that..

[52] Who loves orange soda?
People who like oranges things I would assume i.e. Orange juice, oranges, etc.

[53] Who is your hero?
Somehow I couldn't think of something better to say:

"I have a lot of everyday heroes who manage to make the world such a pretty pretty place by simply just being themselves." - Tone

[54] Who did you last IM?
Umm.. probably Mr. Matt. =D I love that kid.

[55] Do you work a lot of hours?
Too much in fact, I need to cut back.

[56] Where were you 24 hours ago?
Probably the same place I was.

[57] Who was the last person that called you?
Called me? Uh.. probably Katie Pulliam, my friend who lives in Missouri.

[58] Is there anything you regret?
Yes, but I don't dwell on it.

[59] Do you know where your family name originated from?
Well if I trace it back far enough, my ancestors were from Norway (only because that's how far I can trace it back). Okay so I'll start it with me and where I came from, and then go back to my ancestral roots. [Dad's side of the family] Hawaii (United States) > Puerto Rico > Spain > Germany > England > Norway > ?; [Mom's side] Virginia > Ireland > England > Norway > ?

Didn't think I'd manage it did you? =D

[60] Animal that creeps you out?
It is a hard subject: Well I'm not creeped out by anything like that (to the extent of, as long as I don't have to eat it, I couldn't care less). ex. If a bug crawls on me, I just flick it off. But if I had to eat shrimp or crabs, YUCK! To me, crabs & crustaceans are like the cockaroaches & spiders of the sea, and you don't see me wanting to eat any of those now do you?

that was fun, but time consuming. mmmm.. later.

28

Oh how delightful I am to see all of your bright sunny faces again. Well at least that is what I hope for every time you read my blog, regardless as it usually becomes rather, how do I put it? Repetitive and quite dreary, I think the same things happen whenever I try to write a poem, I usually write deep meaningful metaphors to only that of which I know, and no one else. I could put a poem here (I think I might just do that) and everyone will think that its a beautiful poem, but they won't know the meaning to it. *I'll put the poem at the bottom of this blog*

Ah well on to bigger and better things, or so I thought. Recently, and when I mean recently I mean I've been thinking about this for the past forty-eight hours or so because it is rather a nuisance when trying to work on something else and having it crawl and scrape its way in to your brain.

What is it you ask yourselves? I have heard this word being synonymous with me, and I grow very angry at this word which is facsimile to my name. Which word could be the co-conspiritor to it you say? The word creep. That's right! I have recently heard this on three very different occassions from three different "friends" of mine. I guess we can all agree that communication is a big factual entity that can either help or discredit us, and I would have thought that my "friends" would at least enlighten me in. Why, why after all these years of being good friends and/ or acquaintances do you mock me by calling me a creep or any variation of so. I still cannot unravel this mystery; If I were a creep -- Why would you not tell me when or how I was being creepy? Aren't friends supposed to help each other grow? Well in a basic stance, aren't friends supposed to help you? Not chastise or belittle you, or your intelligence?

Maybe and I'm talking about a huge ginormous MAYBE; Maybe I'm just weird or delusional about this all, maybe I am a bit crazy. I'm crazy because I don't wear fancy clothes, because I don't talk or walk the same way you do, because I think different and because I am unique and not just another drone fed in to this idiocratic, paranoid schizophrenic beauty pageant we call a life. Yeah maybe I'm not perfect, but I'd rather be me and have the occasional life fuckups then to be the same as the rest of society stuck in what you perceive to see a PERFECT WORLD. It reminds me of both a movie and a quote; The movie: 12 Monkeys with Bruce Willis and they think he's crazy just because they do not understand him. And the quote, which I feel is appropriate for this occasion:

"He who hears not the music, thinks the dancers are mad" - African Proverb.

I know a good friend, actually probably the only good friend of mine was talking about the same thing with her old friends from her childhood. She talked about how she was always the odd one out, it never even occured to me the similarity between her situation and my own. All these years I always thought I was the glue that held our friends together, who would have thought that I was actually the gum stuck to them all and yet not willingly. =/

I think I'm done with this now, I guess I'll just go ahead and post my poem to that of which no one understands (the latter bit is not my poem, just a strange curiousity**). *One fasination I have always had is when people think that they know you, the REAL you; I find it surprising because people tell me they know the real me, even when I don't know the real me, kind of weird huh?*

Okay now to the poem: (Can you guess what this poem is about? I'll give you money if you guess correctly..) =D

My fire has arisen
let down your bridge, entrance to your own
so that I too may share the memory
One desire, hopeful as the rest
as befuddlement feasts upon my Highly crown
thumps of a pulsating knob arrive at your door
stricken to my eyes and lowly brain
Invitational only! My words floating freely
Warm juices cascades down that wonderful waterfall with glee
I'm INVITED
Dumb brain rigormortus, entering into the unknown
Through that narrow door that leads to caves
Moisture seeping of that wet place
cools my two subconscious' fighting the outsides of this sprinkled forest
plummeting to find what can't be found
reversing to do it all again
when hearing the murderous screams: because explosions rumble by
a silhouette panting in the summer heat
No more will the brain or the doorknob meet; or talk as friends
at least until next summer rolls around again.

27

I'm writing a blog today for no other reason to just write. Maybe I'm venting or just getting something of my chest but I really don't know why I signed in and clicked Post a New Blog, but I did so here I am.

Have you ever heard a song and then something magical happened? Maybe I'm using the word magical to strongly, but every time I hear a beautiful song that is RARE (or that I love to hear over and over). Actually I think what I know what I mean now, I mean: When you hear a song you a relaxed and let your mind think up a music video that would go perfectly to the song. Well I had one of these visions, sort of.

I listened to Death Cab For Cutie's new album called Narrow Stairs, and I was listening to a particular song. I had not heard it before, so I listened to it for a while instead of skipping over it like I usually do, and behold a very intrinsic melody befalling my ears, about half the song is all instrumental and it finally works up to the climax (and that is when the lead singer commences in singing) and to my knowledge henceforth, I believe those are the most beautiful lyrics ever! I'll post them below a bit later.

I am contemplating on why I like these lyrics and I think I finally realize why I do, they remind me of my best friend. Just living in two small cottages on a beautiful meadowland with slight hills and a drop-off-cliff overlooking a beautiful blue ocean. And we are sitting at her house, which has a white picket fence around it and we are sitting outside on a swinging loveseat chair. It basically reminds me of the chat me and my best friend were having, and I as thoughtful as I am I usually daydream about my future, or what have you.

Here are the lyrics to the song as well as the name & YouTube page.

Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart - Narrow Stairs

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound
But in a language you can't read just yet

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you let me down so easily
So easily

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart




***On another note:

Some things are better to be said, then to not said! <-- Next blog after I'm done with this one.

26

Well I think now I have lost all my train of thought, I had something very spectacular to write and now I cant even utter a single sentence. Oh how lucky I am for a reoccurring thoughts, it will come back to me eventually, statistically speaking. =)

I just wrote a neat little paragraph but I have decided to delete it because it was complete rubbish. Anyway onto new and exciting things, I was thinking about buying a cute little movie tomorrow, although I haven't seen it I was really looking forward to seeing it in the movie theaters, but I wasn't fortunate enough to see it before it left the theaters. The movie is the Tale of Desperaux (it comes out tomorrow), I believe also that it is a childrens book, which I shall probably buy as well in the coming weeks.

A charming young blogger's post made me think about the future. My future wife (if I'm lucky enough), future kids, future house, etc. And it made me think, long and hard, about where I would want to live? Where would I want to spend the rest of my life? I'm not sure if I've come to a complete realization of where, but I do know I want to be away from the city; somewhere either with a lot of trees or great big meadow farmland but near enough to a lake or river to swim in.

I don't know if it would be considered greedy (it probably does) but I just want buy up a whole bunch of acreage for myself to roam in, too often does society take land and build a mini-mall or a fast-food restaurant over it; It is possible however that it is only in America that these huge corporations and conglomerates pave over the beauties and wonders of the world with concrete, all for a quick buck, to see how much money they can make before people want changes (environmentally speaking that is). I just want to build a huge greenhouse dome over my property and have the rest of the world on the outside, just me and any animals on my property and whoever else decides to take a leap of faith at the prosperity of living environmentally healthy.

I know this will probably sound completely absurd to most people, and I often get teased because of it. But I think I'm completely in love with Norway, as a country. Of course, time will only tell until I actually visit and have a real interaction with the people, etc. But I could see myself living there, being away from this modern world filled with disease and hate, etc. Of course there supposedly is this all over the world, but if by some chance I can make my dream to live in the wilderness, or at least by the wilderness, I think I could be happy.

Okay enough about that, I am trying to keep myself away from that subject because I usually write more than anyone bargained for. =) haha.. alright then new subject.

I have come to the unusual cognizance of me being weird. I think I am the only person who thinks it is beautiful outside when its raining or thunderstorming. I actually have to admit I like playing out in the rain, although I think its a love-hate relationship, some days I absolutely love playing in the rain and some other days I don't want to get wet, which is quite odd because we all take showers (well most of us do, some other people prefer to not shower for days.. yuck!). Ahh.. I have just thought of something, have you ever noticed that people hate it when it rains when they have clothes on, but mostly everyone loves it when they don't have any clothes on? How questionable it is. =) **Don't worry I promised myself I wouldn't get into another debate with myself about nudity and being naked and how everyone should be naked** <-- Okay well maybe just a little rant!

**If everyone was naked and lived naked, no one could hide. No one could hide behind their new clothes, or make up, etc. You can't hide yourself away from the world, and world couldn't hide from you. Everyone would be as they are: Unique and beautiful in every single dashing way.**

~alexander (you think I wrote just a tiny bit too much?)

25

Hooray, this is a very special blog post for my very bestest friend in the whole world, quite literally! =)

Okay so I was at a funeral today for my stepdad's older sister, and it quite literally made me think a tad bit differently about life and death. I have come to the realization that I do NOT want people to be sad at my funeral whatsoever, I want everyone to reminisce about the good ol' days but not linger in them. Whatever happens, happens! You know?

And well that made me think of my friends, or actually I should say one friend in particular, who has been with me through thick and thin. She is the only one I can actually count on for anything, and its funny because she is the one that lives probably the furthest away from me (yet in mind & heart she is right there *points to an empty space in the room*). We may have started off as penpals but we grew to become the bestest of friends now! =)

I was literally trying to find my favorite picture of her, but I can't find it =/ I'm sure Tone has it, but I thought I had it somewhere. It was a picture of her sitting in a meadow with her blue and white mushroom dress on. =)

I was thinking what could I say about her, then I thought once more and I was thinking "what can't I say about her?" =) She is my best friend and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything else in the world, even if I could become a wizard like Harry Potter or a date with Emma Watson. Which is surprising if you ever knew anything about me (pretty much I'd give almost anything for that: HP or Emma Watson). So I guess that's saying something =)

~alexander

24

Ahh.. its such nice and wet day outside, finally! =) I have no clue but there are days when I love the rain and days when I hate the rain. But today is one of those days where I love the rain! It is such a beautiful anomially, think about this without it raining nothing would grow, people would grow weak and eventually pass on had it not been for rain. Oh my I love it!

Oh and don't think I forgot, I remembered from my last blog that I was going to just put on all whole bunch of images that I found very touching because I like little girls when they smile.

But all in all, I'm feeling loads better than I have this past week. I don't know I just haven't felt myself: Haven't been reading, drawing, or talking to people as much; Which in fact is the complete opposite of me, I have a particular large mouth which I feel gives me the gift of gab. =) But enough talk, I will put some pictures up and play out in the rain. =)

**Notice that these here pictures ARE NOT my own, I just browsed for a couple on Flickr (and they all belong to their respected photographer, I no ownership whatsoever), so if you would like to know more, I believe if you click the image it should bring you to their site.**

23

I'm going to do something a bit out of the ordinary; My usual consistency is picking a subject and writing about it till either a.) I can't think of anything left to say, b.) my head hurts, or c.) if the time becomes a bit later than expected.

So today I will just post a picture and song that has touched my heart today. Corny I know, but nothing has inspired me to write something epic, like I am so typical of thinking.

**You are probably going to laugh, but I couldn't find any image I had that would really suit the song I was going to choose, but its funny because I decided the thing that makes me smile the most is seeing a young girl four - seven years old's beautiful bright smile. Even so I thought I'd might a blog about that in its entirety, but I think I'll save it for number 24. =)** <-- If you want to know what I'm talking about go to Flickr.com and search for a young girls smile and tell me that it doesn't make you fuzzy and/or warm inside? Or at bare minimum lucky to be a human being!

I think this song pretty much sums up my life or at least puts my life into perspective metaphorically OR lyrically speaking that is. The moment of truth, I'm shutting myself up now. I think this so

If Only by the Kooks

So hold your head, and hold your tongue
But only say what you have to
And as a child yes I dreamed
Of holding her in the silver screen
She loved her man and loved him twice
I wish I'd been that passenger
Having fun, fly my kite
The devil inside won't control my life
Too much love, so little hate
The devil inside won't control my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors
Yeah, yeah...

So here I go to see the world
With my eyes and with my soul
And too much love, so little hate
The devil inside won't control my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors
Yeah, yeah...
Yeah!

So hold your head and run my time
The what of life no man can rhyme
So here we are and here we bleed
To be a victim there's no need
Having fun, I never fight
The devil inside controls my life
Too much love so little hate
The devil inside controls my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors

22

I can't conceive how I usually always mess things up for myself, I can't fathom if I'm doing it purposely but subconsciously or something similar to those means. I mean I don't think I'm doing it on purpose, I really feel like just taking those vows of silence for a year or so because I've been thinking about it a lot lately, somehow I always say the wrong things at the precise wrong moments.

What else is new you ask? Well I think I've come to the realization that I have or am in love with most of my friends that're girls, why or how I have no clue. Probably because I've never had any proper friends to begin with, and my communication with girls in middle school was slightly diminished from moving to a different place during middle school.

It is quite funny in a dry sort of way (which probably isn't very funny at all though) every one of my friends that are girls, that I have told that I liked them in a different way has always denied me that opportunity while still saying they are my friend. Wouldn't a true friend give you a chance? A chance that no other girl would ever dare dream to take in their lifetime.

I mean think about it logically, what would it hurt you if you took that chance with that someone who asked you out, vice versa.? I mean I took a very fateful chance, and very grave bad choice of mine to break up with them now that I think about it more logically. A girl I was infatuated with, well me and her were talking and I decided I'd ask her out on a date, because we'd be chatting for quite some time and she took it upon herself to say the most dreadful words a guy could hear: "No, I like you as a friend though. . ." well because of that door closing another door opened, A girl I knew liked me (back in high school) and we decided to go out, she was beautiful on the inside and outside, its true she could have lost a couple pounds but it never occured to me until after I told my friends and they started talking things behind my back and about my girlfriend. So I dumped her, and now, well now she has lost 50 something pounds and she looks great, and now that I try to talk to her, well let's just say she is way beyond my league.

What harm could be done if everyone, instead of everyone saying 'no' and continuing on being lonely, if they said 'yes', took a chance and maybe enjoyed themselves?

The world is full of lonely people, and yet all these lonely souls can't open their hearts or their minds to see potential. People are moldable, I AM MOLDABLE, but then again no one wants to get their hands dirty, people want prefabricated plates and coffee mugs instead of doing work, which is so typical of today's society now that I think about it. =/

Well goodnight to all, *I wonder if the vow of silence only constitutes to physically talking; i.e. Am I still allowed to blog if I take a vow of silence?

21

Ugh.

Hello again, I can't seem to find an explanation of how I always come to write blogs at the end of the day, or super early in the morning (12am). Ha. Well my life is a bit screwy at the moment, I finally came up to my mom and told her that I would be soon joining the military. And as I sat there feeling awkward as mom was telling me all the reasons I should not join, and that I should weigh-in all the pros and cons of being in the military. But honestly, I have no clue of the direction of my life, I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all directions so to speak.

Yet again I am stuck in a conundrum, I really really am infatuated with one of my friends, a girl that is, this is not the girl I was talking about in previous blogs but a girl of whom I have recently found compassion for. How can I put it simply, she makes me smile and laugh, and never let's me feel awkward as most girls I like do. I'm not sure whether I want to reveal myself to her just yet, because if I'm wrong and she doesn't feel the same way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be ALONE.

All of this sucks really, because I am torn between this girl of whom I'm infatuated with and a girl who I know I could spend the rest of my life with. But as I've stated I still have no idea what the future holds in store for me, so I don't want to tell either of them. Because what then will happen if I, god forbid, die while I'm in the military, although as I've stated in previous blogs (I'm pretty sure I have) that I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to break the hearts of those who I have loved, the feeling being shared amongst us. Whom so ever reads this, know this: I don't ever want to buried, instead I'd like to be cremated and planted or spread in the ocean, and for people not to mourn for my death whatsoever; although I can't give you the why you shouldn't mourn I simply ask that you don't, because I don't need your sympathy or your compassion because I'll still have what I've had (compassion) from you all along.

haha.. If that made any sense at all.

Well that is just the tidbit of confusing theorems coinciding in my mind. =)

20

Today was an invigorating and disturbingly groggy day. First, I woke up at 4:30a.m. to get ready for the karate tournament, which is about two hours away from where I live. I got up drove as fast as I could, etc. Well basically I'll just summarize the entire thing, I competed in Empty Hand Kata for the Advanced (Black belt and above) of some fifty something competitors, yet despite not being in the dojo or practicing karate for three years, I won 1st in that bracket. =)

Secondly, I got to hangout with a good girlfriend of mine. We had so much fun driving and walking around, I could hardly contain my laughter for more than two minutes with her. It was weird though, because I have never met her parents/siblings at her house when I dropped her off, so she invited me in and I chatted with their family, all in all I think they viewed me as people usually do: an "oddity"

So all in all.. twas a good day..

Back home now, and it is currently 12:31 a.m. So I am quite a bit tired so I think I'll head off to bed.

Ohh.. and I miss me friend Tone Elisabeth.. XD hahaha..