21

Ugh.

Hello again, I can't seem to find an explanation of how I always come to write blogs at the end of the day, or super early in the morning (12am). Ha. Well my life is a bit screwy at the moment, I finally came up to my mom and told her that I would be soon joining the military. And as I sat there feeling awkward as mom was telling me all the reasons I should not join, and that I should weigh-in all the pros and cons of being in the military. But honestly, I have no clue of the direction of my life, I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all directions so to speak.

Yet again I am stuck in a conundrum, I really really am infatuated with one of my friends, a girl that is, this is not the girl I was talking about in previous blogs but a girl of whom I have recently found compassion for. How can I put it simply, she makes me smile and laugh, and never let's me feel awkward as most girls I like do. I'm not sure whether I want to reveal myself to her just yet, because if I'm wrong and she doesn't feel the same way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be ALONE.

All of this sucks really, because I am torn between this girl of whom I'm infatuated with and a girl who I know I could spend the rest of my life with. But as I've stated I still have no idea what the future holds in store for me, so I don't want to tell either of them. Because what then will happen if I, god forbid, die while I'm in the military, although as I've stated in previous blogs (I'm pretty sure I have) that I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to break the hearts of those who I have loved, the feeling being shared amongst us. Whom so ever reads this, know this: I don't ever want to buried, instead I'd like to be cremated and planted or spread in the ocean, and for people not to mourn for my death whatsoever; although I can't give you the why you shouldn't mourn I simply ask that you don't, because I don't need your sympathy or your compassion because I'll still have what I've had (compassion) from you all along.

haha.. If that made any sense at all.

Well that is just the tidbit of confusing theorems coinciding in my mind. =)