46

Back, yet I cannot say that I am better than ever, because I would forfeit myself to being a liar.

I went on a roadtrip from point A to B, with ill regard for who I went with: my family. We drove from coast to coast, Maryland to California, stopping at National Forests and all the places that my parents wanted to see. I cannot help but contemplate if the trip would have been different had I gone with friends, or if I would've stayed home instead of going on the trip would I have any more fun.

I don't know why but I always seem out of place, I can't explain it. I feel like I'm destined for greatness, but I can't place my finger on it. I feel like the black sheep of the family, actually strike that, I KNOW I AM THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY. But, it just makes me feel so. . . fake! I feel like I am a fraud, and I put up a show for people, just to camoflauge myself for people seeing the real me. I don't know really how to make this seem logical or plausiable.

I am not sure if something is wrong with me or what? I just don't know anymore, I feel like an amoeba; just latching onto whatever I can to survive.

I feed off other people's emotions and I don't like it. I feel like a vampiric whore in a sense. I don't know what I want, I want love and to be loved, I want to share feelings and have things felt about me. I just, I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore, I doubt that I ever have known. Am I really me? Or am I a figment of my own imagination? I am stuck in my own little brain trying to sort through what is me and what is not. . . and I don't know what good characteristics will go, nor which bad one's will stay.

I am loved, at least theoretically I hope. But I don't want unconditional love, the kind of love that you HAVE to have for siblings & family. I just want to find my own little shining star.

Does life really have to be this dreadful? I've got the whole world on my shoulders again, and I don't know if I'll drop the ball. . =/