49

TONE!

Goddamnit.. I want my dear friend Tone to come back from France so much. I know it is an ill-fated request, but I haven't talked to her in so long. It sort of feels as a piece of me is gone, where are you Tone? =) Summer can't be that long can it? I guess I will just have to carry on, forever waiting, to talk to you again. =P

So I have gotten a bit of good news and possible a crap load of bad news. Good news first then, right? Well I FINALLY have gotten in touch with my recruiter today, apparently she had been on vacation leave and was out the entire time last week. Still I think she could have left a little PostIt note or something similar on her door, or have her recording machine tell me, it would have saved me much time and effort. Any way back to the more pressing information: There is a very good chance that I won't be able to join the Air Force because of a technicality =/ apparently I need a criminal history waiver (I have no clue why, because its been expunged from my record and it was years ago, five to be exact). And so the only possible way for me to get a waiver is for it to be approved by my recruiters boss, in which I hope he/she is very lenient when it comes to my case, as it was when I was a minor, its been expunged, and it was an isolated incident. So I am hoping I will receive some good news for tomorrow.

If I do receive some bad news tomorrow, which would be very high. I will have to enlist in either the Navy or if that doesn't work out then, god forbid, the Army. Although I did see something I wanted to do in each branch, but only because they have an enlistment bonus. For the Navy, it is SWCC pronounced 'swick' or Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman, which is basically in essence the boat drivers for the Navy SEALs and yet for the Army it is something for the most part that is not something I would pick to do for the rest of my life but it is either Fire Support Specialist (having to do with Artillery) or Computer/Detection Systems Repairer.

But all I can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst, which is what I am doing. =)

Goodnight because I am tired!

48

I decided that I would write a blog, I know I have already done one this week. But today is and was a very special day for a couple of my friends, more specifically Melissa & Mindy. Melissa's was this past Friday and Mindy's is ten day afterward. So you can imagine the pool parties I have been invited to.

Well even though I was very fashionably late I managed to get there, yet somehow I muddled to be the odd-ball-out like I usually am. I went to Melissa's SWEET SIXTEEN, her pool party (without knowing it would be a pool party until I got there), so here I am dressed casually instead of swimming shorts and I haven't shaved or gotten a haircut recently. So basically I look way out of place when her entire family see's me, a guy with a beard go and hug her. Haha.. I tried to keep quiet, but as you know, that is rather troublesome for me because I tend to like to be the center of attention and being very loud.

Somehow one of her uncle's had let me borrow his swimming trunks, half an hour goes by and it starts getting very dark, windy, and the clouds start rolling in: The eerie silence before the storm. Which somehow always make me feel very optimistic and powerful, I don't know why though. But, then it started hailing and raining at the same time, so Melissa and I being as strange as we are, went out onto the dock/pier and just started dancing in the rain. It was quite fun, I don't think I have ever danced in the rain, well at least not for like 6 or so years. It was an escape, one that I very much enjoyed. =)

Melissa is always a goofball, yet at the time I need to talk with her, she makes total and complete utter sense to me, usually when she rambles or says random things. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm just relieved to be her friend.

Tomorrow is Mindy's pool party, but this time I'll remember to actually bring a pair of extra clothes & swimming clothes. Hahaha.. and I'll actually be able to swim, instead of just hanging out in the 8 person hot tub with 12 people. =) Well hopefully everything will fall into their respective places.

Goodnight all

47

I realize that I have not written (or is it wrote?) a blog in an extremely long time. I am sure all of my beloved fans are wondering this, hahaha.. no but seriously I have actually put my nose to the grindstone and achieved quite a lot. Right now I am standing at 172lbs/78kg, which all I have to do now is lose two pounds so I can talk to my Air Force recruiter.

Speaking of my Air Force recruiter I find it very discerning that not only can I not get in touch with her, but she obviously can't do her job right. The whole point of a recruiter is to get interested applicants to enlist correct? But I find myself in this conundrum in which we keep playing telephone tag, I leave like ten voice messages on her office phone and she left me one.

I have made sort of a career option change, actually I am still up in the air with it. My mom, I lover her to death, but she clearly doesn't know me well at all. I feel that if I join up in the Air Force, I want to be very very close to the front-lines, I want to have a gun to protect myself and my team. So I have like a chance for six possible careers, some I don't want to do, and some I would love to do!

(In order from most to least in the COMBAT option)
1 - Combat Controller
2 - Security Forces
3 - Tactical Air Combat Party
4 - Pararescue
5 - SERE [Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape]

(In order from most to least in all the rest)
1 - Aerial Gunnery
2 - Network Intelligence Analysis
3 - In-Flight Refueling
4 - Still Photography Apprentice
5 - Airborne Cryptological Apprentice

The only problem with my number one for the combat position is that there are only a few deployments a year not to mention few assignment stations (bases). But then again it DOES have an enlistment bonus, which I need to pay off my student loans. So I am not sure which one of these career fields I will be going into.. all I can do is hope. =)

Anyway.. good day to you all I am about to do some calisthenics. =) Night

46

Back, yet I cannot say that I am better than ever, because I would forfeit myself to being a liar.

I went on a roadtrip from point A to B, with ill regard for who I went with: my family. We drove from coast to coast, Maryland to California, stopping at National Forests and all the places that my parents wanted to see. I cannot help but contemplate if the trip would have been different had I gone with friends, or if I would've stayed home instead of going on the trip would I have any more fun.

I don't know why but I always seem out of place, I can't explain it. I feel like I'm destined for greatness, but I can't place my finger on it. I feel like the black sheep of the family, actually strike that, I KNOW I AM THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY. But, it just makes me feel so. . . fake! I feel like I am a fraud, and I put up a show for people, just to camoflauge myself for people seeing the real me. I don't know really how to make this seem logical or plausiable.

I am not sure if something is wrong with me or what? I just don't know anymore, I feel like an amoeba; just latching onto whatever I can to survive.

I feed off other people's emotions and I don't like it. I feel like a vampiric whore in a sense. I don't know what I want, I want love and to be loved, I want to share feelings and have things felt about me. I just, I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore, I doubt that I ever have known. Am I really me? Or am I a figment of my own imagination? I am stuck in my own little brain trying to sort through what is me and what is not. . . and I don't know what good characteristics will go, nor which bad one's will stay.

I am loved, at least theoretically I hope. But I don't want unconditional love, the kind of love that you HAVE to have for siblings & family. I just want to find my own little shining star.

Does life really have to be this dreadful? I've got the whole world on my shoulders again, and I don't know if I'll drop the ball. . =/