31

I feel mad right now, maybe a bit angry perhaps. I have fallen into the same trap my dear friend has, about relying too much on other people. And I realized I can't live my life according to everyone else's standards, I mean I've tried so hard to make everyone else life happy and fun, while I have been sullen and downtrodden, and I am just sick of living like this, for other people instead of living for myself. I can't stand my family, I just really can't. I mean it is alright at times, but at others I feel like they don't know me and never have.

I am different, and no I will not believe in something I know to be fake (Christianity) and pretty much what my stepdad told me is, if I don't go to church and take one hour out of my life, I can't live here anymore, among other things. He said I'm allowed to be different but only in a small way, so in otherwords I'm NOT allowed to be myself.

So I'm enlisting probably on Tuesday because no one will help me out, and I have to help myself at a constant consistency. So that's what I'll do, I don't know what or where I'll be, but I'll be me. And that is the only thing that matters.

Peace out!

30

**This was written down a week ago, I just haven't taken the time to type it all up.**

Jeg tenket på skrive meg hel blog på Norsk, så jeg git et prøve desseverre det et hard. =) Men jeg would nokså forsøke em, ikke forsøke ved alle.

Phew that was kind of hard for me. So basically I am writing this blog for no other reason than for me being mad. Here is my situation, the situation I've been dealing with for as long as I have lived here in Maryland since I moved back. My stepdad is trying, most likely his hardest, to convert me to Christianity; even though everyone who knows me, knows full and well that I am an atheist and despite no matter what he throws at me, I will continue in my beliefs of not having any beliefs.

This is his mature way of showing me apparently "who's the boss" in the household; after we had an argument of what I would be wearing to church* [Despite being an atheist I go to church with them, more of as a benefit for me to point out flaws and make notes about them afterward], right back to it; We had a disagreement of what I'd be wearing to church because it had been Easter Sunday, I obviously did not dress up because its not my religion, and I rarely do it on Sundays anyway. I wore jeans and a t-shirt (button-up no less, my normal attire for chich. So he tells me that I need to "dress up" more quaint and nicely that I currently am,

so I tell him "there is no reason to dress up if it isn't my religion to begin with"
he replies: "Well you look-like crap & I think you should dress better"

You are lucky I am wearing any clothes to begin with, and so I tell him I will not be going to church"

His rebuttal you ask? Turn off the electricity so that I can't go on the computer, watch television, etc. He turned off all the electricity to the house and I am thinking "You are going to spoil the food in the refrigerator , so I left it off and I decided to come outside and lay-down to get a tan. I think my rebuttal to his is much more smarter. But all in all I win.

Main point:
I love the way that people try to convince me that I am missing out on this grandeur splendor called Christianity. I find the idea of a man sitting on a cloud dictating what will happen in everyone's life is a little, for a lack of a better word, stupid! I mean believe me if there was/is a GOD, of infinite wisdom and power, let him strike me dead right now or tomorrow ah? . . . . . . . . . nothing! If there is a devil show him to me, so I can sell my soul . . . . . . . . .? again nothing =)

"Sometimes stupidity is truly bliss, but I'd rather be smart and know somethings real that indulge myself in lamentations and fallacies" ~me, and you can quote me on that. =)

29

I had to copy Tone's blog at least once in my lifetime. =)

[1] What is your last name?
Well currently it is: Garcia, but it is going to become Graham in a few years.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black

[3] Are you available?
Indeed I am much to misfortune =/

[4] Who was your last kiss?
Uhh.. probably my older sister last time she visited.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes I do, I drive over the Severn river.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Mmhmm..

[7] What curse do you say the most when your pissed off?
Well I like all curse words, but the word FUCK is just so awesome to say. =)

[8] Are you God?
I think if I were, it be quite an unusual paradox, don't you?

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Try to figure out what I did wrong, then after realizing it wasn't me to begin with I blame them. =)

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Depends, I usually only do so in red, black, or blue.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Like Tone, I don't feel pain muhahahaha.. =D

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
No, not often only one or two films actually (Secret Garden & Bridge to Terabithia); Something about friendship always gets to my heart. And I don't call it crying, I call it sweating from my eyeballs. =)

[13] Last text message you recieved?
Don't have text messaging.

[14] Who sent it?
I just told you!

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, of course I don't. But I AM envious of other people's life.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
It takes a lot for me to get mad, usually I just blow off steam after whoever made me mad left. =)

[17] Do you drink?
I think everyone drinks? Like water, juice, etc. =p Haha.. yes I do, but I only drink one in particular: Stolichnaya Blueberry / Raspberry Vodka. I don't like the taste of beer (or I should put it, I haven't found any beer that tastes good to me)

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Hahaha.. well most of my friends already know, or should know. I don't like stupid or idiotic people (like literally stupid) oh and I don't like people that act fake.

[19] Are you cold?
Nope. Although it is rainy outside, my favorite weather type besides sunny that is. =D

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Haha.. yes

[21] Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
My cousin Sierra and that's about it.

[22] Who should pay on the first date?
I agree with Tone on this one, but usually I end up paying for everything because the girls usually don't have their money out, which is a clear indication they want to be paid for =/

[23] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Well I don't want to put a number on it, but I'm not willing to date 7+ years older than me.

[24] Do you have any friends?
haha.. sometimes I think I don't; But in the end, I do.

[25] Do you have any mean friends?
Umm.. quite a few actually =/

[26]What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
I guess it is a matter of perspective really.

[27] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, but I have liked someone that my whole FAMILY couldn't stand. And basically, we don't talk anymore so that's that.

[28] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Only sometimes, but then again I've felt like being a ballet dancer and well that opportunity is still in motion. =p

[29] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Nope

[30] Do you scratch your ears?
Umm.. no!

[31] Who was the last person to hug you?
Probably my little brothers girl friend: Katie.

[32] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
Uhh.. Tokaido? They are karate pants so =D

[33] How tall are you?
170cm. Or 5'6 3/4" =D haha.. yes IT DOES COUNT! =)

[34] What is the closest green object?
All of my mom's plants inside, but probably the closests plant is the banana tree.

[35] What is on your feet?
ON my feet? Well that'd be nothing.

[36] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you?
I asked my parents the same thing when I was younger. Oddly enough they still say it would have been the same: Alex

[37] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Any time at all? Hmm.. well if you know me, you are probably going to laugh so here I go: Probably after Adam & Eve got kicked out of Eden, I'd be chilling there still naked and carefree. WOOT! =D

[38] Do you want to have kids?
Yes. =)

[39] What is the brightest color you're wearing?
hahaha.. I'm not wearing any bright colors, my shirt is gray with a badass teddy bear on it. =) **Gloomy bear in case you were wondering**

[40] Who is the friend you have that you would never have thought you'd have?
To be truthful, I never would have thought I would have my ex-penpal Tone become my very best friend. And I'm grateful, to have such a wonderful friend. We were going to take over the world just the other day, but we had coloring books to finish. =p Hahaha.. that's my excuse for not dominating the world. =D

[41] Who do you hate the most right now?
It takes to much energy to hate someone, and if you think about it, hating is still caring about someone only negatively. If you really want to go-for-the-gold so to speak, you have something called indifference, which is not caring about them enough to make a big deal out of it.

[42] Whats your mother's middle name?
Ann

[43] What kind of car do you want?
I have always wanted a Volkswagen, but everyone tells me that IF they need working on, it is expensive. But I know I want a VW CC or GTi, yeah that'd be nice *daydreams about what car he's going to own*

[44] What is your favourite video game?
I very rarely play video games anymore but if I did, it'd have to be: Gears of War. =D

[45] Do you like your dad?
No comment.

[46] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Only a very few, because they are all too damn expensive.

[47] Are you wearing make up?
Uhhh.. no.. should I be?

[48] Do you have a tattoo?
Not yet, but I will be getting one soon, in the near future.

[49] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I'm hispanic, OF COURSE I HAVE! =D

[50] What time is it right now?
12:07PM, so noon basically.

[51] Do you know how to draw?
Uhh.. about that..

[52] Who loves orange soda?
People who like oranges things I would assume i.e. Orange juice, oranges, etc.

[53] Who is your hero?
Somehow I couldn't think of something better to say:

"I have a lot of everyday heroes who manage to make the world such a pretty pretty place by simply just being themselves." - Tone

[54] Who did you last IM?
Umm.. probably Mr. Matt. =D I love that kid.

[55] Do you work a lot of hours?
Too much in fact, I need to cut back.

[56] Where were you 24 hours ago?
Probably the same place I was.

[57] Who was the last person that called you?
Called me? Uh.. probably Katie Pulliam, my friend who lives in Missouri.

[58] Is there anything you regret?
Yes, but I don't dwell on it.

[59] Do you know where your family name originated from?
Well if I trace it back far enough, my ancestors were from Norway (only because that's how far I can trace it back). Okay so I'll start it with me and where I came from, and then go back to my ancestral roots. [Dad's side of the family] Hawaii (United States) > Puerto Rico > Spain > Germany > England > Norway > ?; [Mom's side] Virginia > Ireland > England > Norway > ?

Didn't think I'd manage it did you? =D

[60] Animal that creeps you out?
It is a hard subject: Well I'm not creeped out by anything like that (to the extent of, as long as I don't have to eat it, I couldn't care less). ex. If a bug crawls on me, I just flick it off. But if I had to eat shrimp or crabs, YUCK! To me, crabs & crustaceans are like the cockaroaches & spiders of the sea, and you don't see me wanting to eat any of those now do you?

that was fun, but time consuming. mmmm.. later.

28

Oh how delightful I am to see all of your bright sunny faces again. Well at least that is what I hope for every time you read my blog, regardless as it usually becomes rather, how do I put it? Repetitive and quite dreary, I think the same things happen whenever I try to write a poem, I usually write deep meaningful metaphors to only that of which I know, and no one else. I could put a poem here (I think I might just do that) and everyone will think that its a beautiful poem, but they won't know the meaning to it. *I'll put the poem at the bottom of this blog*

Ah well on to bigger and better things, or so I thought. Recently, and when I mean recently I mean I've been thinking about this for the past forty-eight hours or so because it is rather a nuisance when trying to work on something else and having it crawl and scrape its way in to your brain.

What is it you ask yourselves? I have heard this word being synonymous with me, and I grow very angry at this word which is facsimile to my name. Which word could be the co-conspiritor to it you say? The word creep. That's right! I have recently heard this on three very different occassions from three different "friends" of mine. I guess we can all agree that communication is a big factual entity that can either help or discredit us, and I would have thought that my "friends" would at least enlighten me in. Why, why after all these years of being good friends and/ or acquaintances do you mock me by calling me a creep or any variation of so. I still cannot unravel this mystery; If I were a creep -- Why would you not tell me when or how I was being creepy? Aren't friends supposed to help each other grow? Well in a basic stance, aren't friends supposed to help you? Not chastise or belittle you, or your intelligence?

Maybe and I'm talking about a huge ginormous MAYBE; Maybe I'm just weird or delusional about this all, maybe I am a bit crazy. I'm crazy because I don't wear fancy clothes, because I don't talk or walk the same way you do, because I think different and because I am unique and not just another drone fed in to this idiocratic, paranoid schizophrenic beauty pageant we call a life. Yeah maybe I'm not perfect, but I'd rather be me and have the occasional life fuckups then to be the same as the rest of society stuck in what you perceive to see a PERFECT WORLD. It reminds me of both a movie and a quote; The movie: 12 Monkeys with Bruce Willis and they think he's crazy just because they do not understand him. And the quote, which I feel is appropriate for this occasion:

"He who hears not the music, thinks the dancers are mad" - African Proverb.

I know a good friend, actually probably the only good friend of mine was talking about the same thing with her old friends from her childhood. She talked about how she was always the odd one out, it never even occured to me the similarity between her situation and my own. All these years I always thought I was the glue that held our friends together, who would have thought that I was actually the gum stuck to them all and yet not willingly. =/

I think I'm done with this now, I guess I'll just go ahead and post my poem to that of which no one understands (the latter bit is not my poem, just a strange curiousity**). *One fasination I have always had is when people think that they know you, the REAL you; I find it surprising because people tell me they know the real me, even when I don't know the real me, kind of weird huh?*

Okay now to the poem: (Can you guess what this poem is about? I'll give you money if you guess correctly..) =D

My fire has arisen
let down your bridge, entrance to your own
so that I too may share the memory
One desire, hopeful as the rest
as befuddlement feasts upon my Highly crown
thumps of a pulsating knob arrive at your door
stricken to my eyes and lowly brain
Invitational only! My words floating freely
Warm juices cascades down that wonderful waterfall with glee
I'm INVITED
Dumb brain rigormortus, entering into the unknown
Through that narrow door that leads to caves
Moisture seeping of that wet place
cools my two subconscious' fighting the outsides of this sprinkled forest
plummeting to find what can't be found
reversing to do it all again
when hearing the murderous screams: because explosions rumble by
a silhouette panting in the summer heat
No more will the brain or the doorknob meet; or talk as friends
at least until next summer rolls around again.

27

I'm writing a blog today for no other reason to just write. Maybe I'm venting or just getting something of my chest but I really don't know why I signed in and clicked Post a New Blog, but I did so here I am.

Have you ever heard a song and then something magical happened? Maybe I'm using the word magical to strongly, but every time I hear a beautiful song that is RARE (or that I love to hear over and over). Actually I think what I know what I mean now, I mean: When you hear a song you a relaxed and let your mind think up a music video that would go perfectly to the song. Well I had one of these visions, sort of.

I listened to Death Cab For Cutie's new album called Narrow Stairs, and I was listening to a particular song. I had not heard it before, so I listened to it for a while instead of skipping over it like I usually do, and behold a very intrinsic melody befalling my ears, about half the song is all instrumental and it finally works up to the climax (and that is when the lead singer commences in singing) and to my knowledge henceforth, I believe those are the most beautiful lyrics ever! I'll post them below a bit later.

I am contemplating on why I like these lyrics and I think I finally realize why I do, they remind me of my best friend. Just living in two small cottages on a beautiful meadowland with slight hills and a drop-off-cliff overlooking a beautiful blue ocean. And we are sitting at her house, which has a white picket fence around it and we are sitting outside on a swinging loveseat chair. It basically reminds me of the chat me and my best friend were having, and I as thoughtful as I am I usually daydream about my future, or what have you.

Here are the lyrics to the song as well as the name & YouTube page.

Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart - Narrow Stairs

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound
But in a language you can't read just yet

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you let me down so easily
So easily

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love
I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart




***On another note:

Some things are better to be said, then to not said! <-- Next blog after I'm done with this one.

26

Well I think now I have lost all my train of thought, I had something very spectacular to write and now I cant even utter a single sentence. Oh how lucky I am for a reoccurring thoughts, it will come back to me eventually, statistically speaking. =)

I just wrote a neat little paragraph but I have decided to delete it because it was complete rubbish. Anyway onto new and exciting things, I was thinking about buying a cute little movie tomorrow, although I haven't seen it I was really looking forward to seeing it in the movie theaters, but I wasn't fortunate enough to see it before it left the theaters. The movie is the Tale of Desperaux (it comes out tomorrow), I believe also that it is a childrens book, which I shall probably buy as well in the coming weeks.

A charming young blogger's post made me think about the future. My future wife (if I'm lucky enough), future kids, future house, etc. And it made me think, long and hard, about where I would want to live? Where would I want to spend the rest of my life? I'm not sure if I've come to a complete realization of where, but I do know I want to be away from the city; somewhere either with a lot of trees or great big meadow farmland but near enough to a lake or river to swim in.

I don't know if it would be considered greedy (it probably does) but I just want buy up a whole bunch of acreage for myself to roam in, too often does society take land and build a mini-mall or a fast-food restaurant over it; It is possible however that it is only in America that these huge corporations and conglomerates pave over the beauties and wonders of the world with concrete, all for a quick buck, to see how much money they can make before people want changes (environmentally speaking that is). I just want to build a huge greenhouse dome over my property and have the rest of the world on the outside, just me and any animals on my property and whoever else decides to take a leap of faith at the prosperity of living environmentally healthy.

I know this will probably sound completely absurd to most people, and I often get teased because of it. But I think I'm completely in love with Norway, as a country. Of course, time will only tell until I actually visit and have a real interaction with the people, etc. But I could see myself living there, being away from this modern world filled with disease and hate, etc. Of course there supposedly is this all over the world, but if by some chance I can make my dream to live in the wilderness, or at least by the wilderness, I think I could be happy.

Okay enough about that, I am trying to keep myself away from that subject because I usually write more than anyone bargained for. =) haha.. alright then new subject.

I have come to the unusual cognizance of me being weird. I think I am the only person who thinks it is beautiful outside when its raining or thunderstorming. I actually have to admit I like playing out in the rain, although I think its a love-hate relationship, some days I absolutely love playing in the rain and some other days I don't want to get wet, which is quite odd because we all take showers (well most of us do, some other people prefer to not shower for days.. yuck!). Ahh.. I have just thought of something, have you ever noticed that people hate it when it rains when they have clothes on, but mostly everyone loves it when they don't have any clothes on? How questionable it is. =) **Don't worry I promised myself I wouldn't get into another debate with myself about nudity and being naked and how everyone should be naked** <-- Okay well maybe just a little rant!

**If everyone was naked and lived naked, no one could hide. No one could hide behind their new clothes, or make up, etc. You can't hide yourself away from the world, and world couldn't hide from you. Everyone would be as they are: Unique and beautiful in every single dashing way.**

~alexander (you think I wrote just a tiny bit too much?)

25

Hooray, this is a very special blog post for my very bestest friend in the whole world, quite literally! =)

Okay so I was at a funeral today for my stepdad's older sister, and it quite literally made me think a tad bit differently about life and death. I have come to the realization that I do NOT want people to be sad at my funeral whatsoever, I want everyone to reminisce about the good ol' days but not linger in them. Whatever happens, happens! You know?

And well that made me think of my friends, or actually I should say one friend in particular, who has been with me through thick and thin. She is the only one I can actually count on for anything, and its funny because she is the one that lives probably the furthest away from me (yet in mind & heart she is right there *points to an empty space in the room*). We may have started off as penpals but we grew to become the bestest of friends now! =)

I was literally trying to find my favorite picture of her, but I can't find it =/ I'm sure Tone has it, but I thought I had it somewhere. It was a picture of her sitting in a meadow with her blue and white mushroom dress on. =)

I was thinking what could I say about her, then I thought once more and I was thinking "what can't I say about her?" =) She is my best friend and I wouldn't trade her friendship for anything else in the world, even if I could become a wizard like Harry Potter or a date with Emma Watson. Which is surprising if you ever knew anything about me (pretty much I'd give almost anything for that: HP or Emma Watson). So I guess that's saying something =)

~alexander

24

Ahh.. its such nice and wet day outside, finally! =) I have no clue but there are days when I love the rain and days when I hate the rain. But today is one of those days where I love the rain! It is such a beautiful anomially, think about this without it raining nothing would grow, people would grow weak and eventually pass on had it not been for rain. Oh my I love it!

Oh and don't think I forgot, I remembered from my last blog that I was going to just put on all whole bunch of images that I found very touching because I like little girls when they smile.

But all in all, I'm feeling loads better than I have this past week. I don't know I just haven't felt myself: Haven't been reading, drawing, or talking to people as much; Which in fact is the complete opposite of me, I have a particular large mouth which I feel gives me the gift of gab. =) But enough talk, I will put some pictures up and play out in the rain. =)

**Notice that these here pictures ARE NOT my own, I just browsed for a couple on Flickr (and they all belong to their respected photographer, I no ownership whatsoever), so if you would like to know more, I believe if you click the image it should bring you to their site.**

23

I'm going to do something a bit out of the ordinary; My usual consistency is picking a subject and writing about it till either a.) I can't think of anything left to say, b.) my head hurts, or c.) if the time becomes a bit later than expected.

So today I will just post a picture and song that has touched my heart today. Corny I know, but nothing has inspired me to write something epic, like I am so typical of thinking.

**You are probably going to laugh, but I couldn't find any image I had that would really suit the song I was going to choose, but its funny because I decided the thing that makes me smile the most is seeing a young girl four - seven years old's beautiful bright smile. Even so I thought I'd might a blog about that in its entirety, but I think I'll save it for number 24. =)** <-- If you want to know what I'm talking about go to Flickr.com and search for a young girls smile and tell me that it doesn't make you fuzzy and/or warm inside? Or at bare minimum lucky to be a human being!

I think this song pretty much sums up my life or at least puts my life into perspective metaphorically OR lyrically speaking that is. The moment of truth, I'm shutting myself up now. I think this so

If Only by the Kooks

So hold your head, and hold your tongue
But only say what you have to
And as a child yes I dreamed
Of holding her in the silver screen
She loved her man and loved him twice
I wish I'd been that passenger
Having fun, fly my kite
The devil inside won't control my life
Too much love, so little hate
The devil inside won't control my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors
Yeah, yeah...

So here I go to see the world
With my eyes and with my soul
And too much love, so little hate
The devil inside won't control my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors
Yeah, yeah...
Yeah!

So hold your head and run my time
The what of life no man can rhyme
So here we are and here we bleed
To be a victim there's no need
Having fun, I never fight
The devil inside controls my life
Too much love so little hate
The devil inside controls my fate

Oh, if only, if only
Oh, he wasn't so lonely
He'd have someone to play with
Instead of bombing our neighbors