13

I've been meaning to write from yesterday and the day before that, but I guess it did not post correctly. No matter though, I know most of you will probably be irritated but I need to vent something big and get out of me before I crack. I have so many things on my mind and I'm afraid if I don't get it out now, I'm going to explode with emotions both good and bad.

Firstly, I want to talk about after I graduated from high school and my acceptance to a college in North Carolina (High Point University to those of you wondering). Mostly I think no one knows the whole situation from what my college experience was supposed to be, so I am laying them at your feet. I am contemplating whether I should start at the beginning thinking that might possibly be the best for my audience to realize what I'm talking about. When I was in high school, I obviously was an average student or at least that is what my guidance counselor told me, she told me I ranked at #344 of 412 students or so, which I find hard to fathom as I am more intellectually smart and they are in layman's terms what I consider 'Book-smart' (which obviously I did not calculate into the equation when applying to college). As I got rejected from three possible universities I wished to apply to, I knew that my chances of being accepted were very paltry.

As I was about to give up applying to school, I decided I might as well try. So I sent my application and all other information to High Point University. And that last glimmer of hope shone brightly when finally in the mail I received a letter from them declaring that I was accepted. As I had a Facebook and a Myspace people from High Point started friend requesting me and chatting about being friends. Overjoyed I became, knowing the fact that'd I would be doing something different. I was ecstatic and thrilled when I finally thought I'd be meeting new people and starting all over again: As I most obviously would have a roommate, and be making friends, and talking to girls, and partying, and who knows maybe even pledge to a fraternity. But all these hopes, MY hopes, of a new life: of redemption. All came to a clattering halt in which my new way out, broke off into shambles.

My mother a couple months before classes started at High Point revealed to me that I would not be attending High Point, and that my brother and I (who he previously went to a private-college in Pennsylvania) would be attending a university about forty-five minutes from the house my mother had just bought; VCU or Virginia Commonwealth University. I was outraged about this astrosity even more when my mom told me that I'd have my own apartment which I had to share WITH MY BROTHER (and my moms friend's daughter, who was a crazy, lying lesbian hippie.) Eventually I had to announce to High Point University and to my would-be friends that I would not be attending their university due to an unforeseen event.

I began my life at VCU as miserable as ever, dorming with my older brother who was always telling me what to DO and NOT DO became quite annoying in his as-a-matter-of-fact tone. I hated dorming with him, instead of with a real roommate. All the missed opportunities, because my brother would always call me after class for unbeknownst reasons to me, and with that I couldn't make any friends, or go to parties with people I knew (I knew a lot of people at VCU, I had plenty of acquaintances from my high school who went there.) It just saddens me to think 'Is this what my life was to become?' I now live at home with my mom & stepdad, paying cell phone bills & college loan bills, working as a carpenter assistant to my stepdad and I was going to the two-year college over here, but now I just don't see the point of it all anymore. Because I missed my boat, the experience I was robbed of from college, and the knowing that nothing I do can change that fact. My friends are now juniors and I'm barely even a freshman, I've never finished more then a semester of college classes.

And I'm sitting here with my eyes watering hoping that in all efforts for me to write this down that something will come of it, and I know that it possibly can't. Life isn't fair is the common motto spread amongst us, but life isn't supposed to be unfair either***.

***And on top of all that I asked one of my friends what I should do about my girl situation. And she told me that I should wait until I actually hangout with her again to tell her the truth about how I feel, and me knowing that she lives so far away from me I might not ever be able to tell her what kind of passion is growing in the pit of my stomach, that every time I look at her I can't help but smile with teary eyes, that no matter where she goes or who she's with that I'm going to love her, and I'd tell her that no matter how many hardaches and heartbreaks I've been through that I know she would be there for me smiling and cheering me up. And it sucks, because I'll be forever lost in this world without her.***